I'm not sure what to write here or even what the response I receive will be, with that said, hello, first time writing to ya.
I suppose I should start off at the beginning of what put me into my current situation, just a few years ago I joined the US Army, went through the training, deployed to Afghanistan once, got back to the states and did some bullshit for the next few months and eventually left the military with an honorable discharge. After this I moved in with my folks and spent some time off just living on the money I saved up in the military, then started looking for a job, couldn't find one, money dried up, parents asked me to move out. The trailer I was living in on their property didn't have heat anyways and winter was approaching quickly, I heard of a homeless veteran shelter and moved in there. Its not a bad place, its clean, safe and has food available, its just, still can't find a job, last couple months I've been pretty depressed about my situation, enough that I have had certain thoughts that I would prefer not to mention here but I am sure you will suggest I seek a "licensed professional." Honestly I prefer not speaking to one, reasons being that with the current state of the country, and the fact that if one of these "licensed professionals" can legally strip me of my second amendment rights if they feel my mental state is not within a certain standard. I do not want to wake up one day with a police officer knocking on my door demanding my firearms because of some bout of depression I was treated for. I wouldn't be surprised if I am on some type of government watch list for the sole reason of serving this country. I suppose that is all I have to write for now, maybe you have some advice for my situation. Thanks, Rob * * * Dear Rob, I would like to start my reply by giving you a big “Thank You!” for bravely serving your country and all of us who remained at home. That was a selfless thing to do and must be acknowledged. I think it is pretty awesome that there are furries in the military (I assume you’re a furry and that’s how you found my column.) Papabear can understand your reticence about seeking professional help. I often suggest to writers who contact me that they do such, but more important is that you reach out to someone when you are troubled. And I think it is a very good sign that you have written to me that you are thinking clearly and have not sunk so low as to be a danger to yourself or others. It is also understandable that at this point in your life you would be depressed. Who wouldn’t be? You have put your life on the line only to come back and find yourself jobless and kicked out of your parents’ home. It is a dirty shame that, for the most part, our federal government has fallen down on the job when it comes to helping veterans, especially when it comes to getting jobs and reestablishing themselves in mainstream society. Nevertheless, if you haven’t already done so, I would recommend you contact Veteran Affairs at http://www.va.gov/. The VA not only has medical assistance to those who need it, but also job training and job search programs. That would be a good start. If you have already done that, then you can also look into private veteran organizations like the National Veterans Foundation (http://nvf.org/) which has chapters throughout the country. A big part of what they do is help vets find work. There is also AmVets (http://www.amvets.org/), which does have training and grant programs, though admittedly a lot of their focus seems to be on helping vets with medical and other financial problems. On the next level, start connecting to local and war-relevant groups. Since you served in Afghanistan, you are eligible to join the Iraq and Afghanistan Veterans of America (http://iava.org) for free. The IAVA is focused on assisting with health, training, and employment of veterans of these wars. Finally, you can search for local organizations in your state, county, or city. Search under “veterans for veterans” and see what you can locate using Google. Or, you could probably get recommendations from the IAVA if you asked their office. Oh! And don’t forget your furiends! Connect with military furs at such places as http://militaryfurries.livejournal.com/ and http://furry4life.org/forum/topics/military-furs. This might not lead to a job, but it will give you some social support that you might need. As you can see, Rob, getting help and reaching out doesn’t necessarily mean looking for a mental health professional. My instinct is that you are not crazy or a danger in any way; you are simply depressed because of the southward turn your life has taken. I hope that some of the information above can put you on a course toward helping you find your way out of your present situation. Papabear Salutes You!
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Hi there, I need some more advice.
I started drawing after AC, but life got busy for me all summer and have finally started doing trades with people, though I am unsure if I am being too impatient with wanting to do art trades, as it took a few hours to get a few response, or if people still en masse are ignoring me. A part of me wants to do trades because not everyone has time to do commissions nor get art for free (I know because in the 7 years in the fandom no one has ever drawn me gift art besides my birthday, which makes me jealous because it seems everyone gets gift art except me no matter how nice or helpful I am to people), but it also seems no one wants to give me a chance, either. The fandom is the only social outlet I have and I feel I don't have anything. Local furs are busy and won't return texts; online furs just seem to ignore me. I want to write a vent journal on FA but I know I'll regret it or end up removing the journal or something. Hypr * * * Greetings, Hypr, I think your name is apt in this case. Thinking that “it took a few hours to get a few responses” is a long time is a bit spastic, is it not? Good for you for restraining yourself from writing a “vent” on FurAffinity. You’re right that that would cause people to see you more negatively and would do nothing to help you. So, yeah, don’t do it. You are getting overly concerned about getting comments and feedback and such from furries. It’s not just furries who do this sort of thing—ignoring people, not replying etc. Unfortunately, it’s become a very modern thing to ignore people, both in social contexts and in business. The thing you have to remember, though, is whose feedback are you really concerned about? Are you just talking about not getting feedback from mere acquaintances, random people online? Or are these people you consider to be your friends? The point here is to focus on what really matters: making friends, real friends is much more important that worrying about whether or not people will draw a picture of your fursona. I mean, really, who cares if some random artist you don’t even know doesn’t draw your picture, even on a trade? Draw your art because you enjoy drawing, not because you want to do trades or want some kind of validation for your work or, indeed, for your very existence. And don’t be nice to people because you want something in exchange. Be nice to people because you are a nice person and care about other people. Art should be created for art’s sake. In short, don’t seek out others’ opinions and feedback for validation and a sense of self-worth. That can only be truly found from within. If you love drawing, then draw. Don’t worry about other people’s opinions. Some of the greatest artists never got much validation until after their deaths. And if you want to make friends, do so in the real world. Cyberland is a place where there is too much insincerity, fraudulence, trolls, and shallowness to navigate in most cases. If you want friends, real friends, meet them in the real world. Use the Internet to stay in touch, sure, but having a real life means going out into the real world. Hugs, Papabear Hi Papabear,
I'm a college student who's going to join the new environment and feel the experience of first year in college this October. I'm also a traditional artist who has a deep passion on Furry. I'm going to open a small commission on my FurAffinity account, starting with a small one I made for testing on Facebook. Turned out, I was wrong to advertise my commission offer on FB. Many haters who don't like Furry or my draws said lots of bad things to me and even report me because they think our furries are sick. I was so disappointed and sad because of being treated and thought like that, so I have closed it and blocked all those haters. The thing is, there are many more who have my account have been trying to say bad things to me and my girlfriends through messages, making us feel depressed. I just want to ask you this: Is there any way I can do to make them stop looking at me as some kind of sick beastiality bastard and make them leave us alone? I'm going to college next month, but these days me and my girlfriend can't talk privately on Facebook due to their harassment on our Walls. It's too late to wish to go back to the time I posted the advertisement now, so please, Papabear, please help me find a way to end this. I don't want to end up with her closing our accounts at all. Love, James * * * Aww, James, Papabear shares your weariness over all the haters out there and gives you a big bear hug ... (((((HUUUGGG))))) There are a couple things you can do, if you haven’t done so already. One being to report these people to the FB admins for harassing you. Another is to close your account and open a new one under a different name and start over. A third is to leave Facebook completely and do your commission work and socializing through other, preferably furry sites. I know that FB has become a huge force in social media, but they are not the only way to socialize and to get the word out about your art, not by any means. There are a plethora of furry social sites where you can hang out with your friends and sell your art, as you likely know. The above, of course, are all avoidance strategies. Sadly, you cannot make haters stop hating. There is a large (exasperatingly large) segment of human society that hates all people who are not like them. They judge you for being different. They accuse you of being evil or sinners or perverts or communists or fascists or whatever words come to mind that they feel will hurt you. Why do they do this? Because they fear what is different. Because they don’t want their own beliefs challenged because it might force them to rethink their philosophy of life or their religion. Mostly, though, it is because they have a deep-seated lack of self-worth and tearing down other people makes them feel better about themselves. “Oh, I’m not so bad because I’m not a freak like those furverts.” If you are really really really patient, sometimes you can reeducate people like this to not be haters. But it takes a LOT of time and effort just to convert one, let alone the slew of haters that fill this planet. Most people don’t have that much time or energy to spare. So, the best response is no response at all. You can either completely ignore them, knowing that their opinions have no value because the source is corrupt and because you have a solid sense of your own self-worth, OR you can try to avoid them completely, as I outlined above. Sorry you are learning this lesson about human beings, but you have to learn sometime. Buck up and be proud of who you are. Don’t get depressed about yourself for being hated on; instead, pity the haters. Their lives are the ones that are pathetic. More hugs, Papabear Ok so (papabear) I need to know if there is a web site for young furs below the age of 18 and if so can you please tell me the name?
Brandon * * * Hi, Brandon, As far as I know, there is not a furry site just for furries under 18. So, I am posting your letter here asking for my readers' help. If anyone knows of such a site, please let me and Brandon know! Post a comment below! Papabear Dear Papabear,
I feel like my thoughts are going to end up coming across as a bit jumbled in this message, but I will do my best to present my thoughts as cohesively as possible. About a week ago, I had a conversation with a friend I'd met online. We hadn't even known each other for a month at this point. However, during this conversation, he asked if he could see my penis. I told him I was uncomfortable with showing him, and he apologized and seemed understanding of that. He then asked if we could chat over webcam, and for a little while we did. Afterwards, he asked if I had a hairy body. I told him that I was confused about the questions he was asking, since they came across as incredibly creepy. Keep in mind, the guy had told me that he wasn't even 17 years old yet. Anyway, I talked with a couple of my friends about this conversation soon afterwards. One of my friends understandably told me that my lack of comfort was understandable and that if someone asks those kind of questions it would be better not to show them until I'm sure the person isn't just trying to get in my pants or something. Other friends, however, told me that I was overreacting, and that I need to work on getting more comfortable talking to people over the internet. One such friend actually offered to help me become more comfortable. Mostly this consisted of me talking with him about various adult-themed works of fiction we'd found on FA that I didn't like for one reason or another, either because I didn't like the characters or the morals being expressed in the story were ones I found reprehensible. Eventually, however, it ended up escalating into an RP where the person I was talking to started hitting on, and even kissed my fursona and tried to dazzle him/me with sweet nothings about how he would 'show me love' or 'I need to lower my defenses' or 'I should be more sensual'. I probably could have just blocked the guy and been done with it, except that this conversation, and our roles in it seemed to remind me rather uncomfortably of the conversation I'd talked with you about previously with my other friend, where she was expressing anger and frustration at me despite me not realizing that, or even if I had been doing anything wrong from my perspective. In this case, I felt like I was the one demonstrating anger at the person I was talking to, and he was trying to help me in a way that he thought was acceptable. The incident is still haunting me, even after a whole night's sleep. After all these things, I think I'm starting to experience the fear that I'm starting to lose my ability to trust people, or expect honesty from people. My social bubble is already fairly limited as is, but after these incidents I'm scared that it's going to end up shrinking even further, to the point that I can't even talk to people without getting paranoid, or even trust my own thoughts and feelings. ...I'm scared. My hands are trembling, my mind is numb, I don't even think I trust myself enough to be able to drive effectively in my current state of mind. What should I do? Valeyard * * * Hi, Valeyard, You are learning that there are a lot of people out there who want to do sexual roleplay on the Internet. This kind of behavior is fairly common online. HOWEVER, this doesn't mean you have to participate in it. Papabear advises you that if you do not feel comfortable with this kind of behavior, you simply tell the other person, "I am flattered you want to do this with me, really, but I am not interested in yiff. I am just looking for friends and I am not comfortable with cam-ing or sexual roleplaying." This might cause you to lose some "friends" who want to have sex. Don't worry about it. If people block or ignore you because you're not a slut, that's their problem. You will also find furiends who are totally cool with your desire not to be sexual online because, for you, sex is something that is a lot more personal and intimate. It might not seem like it, but there actually ARE a lot of furries out there who are not into the X-rated stuff. Too, you might be surprised, there are furries who DO like the sex stuff but they are good people who will respect you and your wishes even if you don't care to do online sex. Hang out with these latter two types :-) Don't be scared, hon. Stick up for yourself and do only those things that you are comfortable with. No one can make you do stuff online you don't want to do. Yeah, there are jerks out there who will get pissed if you don't, but they are easy to ignore and delete. There are plenty of furries out there who will respect you for that. I am one of them. Papabear Hi Papabear,
I really love the column and it’s really awesome to see someone do so much good for the fandom, so a million hugs to you :3 My question is how to keep myself at a professional distance but still be me at the same time. My issue is I’m starting to take my artwork seriously and finally getting good enough (in my opinion) to be taken seriously ... but, I’m still not used to dealing with people—I’m very antisocial and find people difficult at the best of times. So do you have any help for keeping calm with customers and looking professional while still being open enough to make friends? Thank you for your time, and thanks again for being there for us confused furs <3 Firewolf * * * Dear Firewolf, Thanks for the compliment; glad you enjoy my column :) What we have here are two issues, not just one: 1) how to deal with people in your business life, and 2) how to make friends when you are antisocial. When it comes to jobs for the antisocial, being an artist is a good choice. Like being a writer, it is a very solitary occupation where you can sit for hours on end working on your craft in total isolation. Many a famous artist was a recluse (Bill Waterson springs to mind right away). But, in the end, if you wish to actually sell your art, you do have to deal with people. Again, fortunately, we have something called the Internet, which, while vastly increasing our ability to contact human beings all over the world, also creates a digital wall between us so we don’t have to deal with them directly. If you sell your art online, you really don’t have to deal with people. Just take their orders, collect the money, and when the check clears, give them the artwork. If you sell your art in person, such as buying a table at a furcon for the dealer’s den, you will be facing people in person, naturally. Dealing with customers is not the same as socializing. Safe in the knowledge that you will only have to talk to them for a short time, be pleasant and helpful at all times. Answer their questions and do what you can to make the sale, then move on to the next customer. The key to good customer service is to answer people’s questions politely and quickly and make sure they are satisfied with the product. Make clear any return policy (or, if you have none, make that clear, too). You should be able to deal with customers without worrying about social anxieties, as business transactions are not about whether or not you are a sociable person. Think of it as putting on your “Businesswoman Fursona” and getting into character. I would suggest working on your Businesswoman Fursona for a while, getting used to that before you allow yourself to relax a bit. Especially at first, you probably won’t get a whole lot of friend requests so much as people wanting to buy your art (hopefully). After a while, you may gain some fans, and fans can often become friends. Since you will both have an interest in art—in particular, your art—that should be a good ice breaker that could make it easier to form new friendships. None of the above addresses the possibility that your social anxiety might benefit from some therapy, depending on its severity, but the above advice might help you, nevertheless. Good luck with your art and your new business venture! Papabear Dear Papabear,
I could use some advice and I'd like your opinion. I wish to remain anonymous in name for this, so I hope that is okay. I live in a large city and for many years have hosted furmeets for the local furries in the area. My mate and I host several each year and we REALLY enjoy the meets that we have hosted. These meets have been fairly open-invitation-style meets, allowing folks to come whom we have never met before. And we host the majority of these meets in our own home. However, recently there have been incidents. Things that have begun to sour the joy we have gotten from these events. Most of these problems are minor and petty and really just annoyances. But at our last meet... One of our guests stole something from us. That in and of itself isn't the problem. The problem is ... now we are not sure if we should ever have a furmeet in our home again. As I said, we LOVE the meets and really enjoyed them. The thought of stopping them sickens us. And we KNOW the actions of this one individual were just that, one person. And obviously we know who this person is and they will not be welcomed back, but it raises the specter of future violations. Some have advised us to continue the meets but make them invitation only, and then only people we can trust. But the downside to that is all the new furs we could be meeting who would not be allowed to attend. Some have suggested stopping meets completely, and again this is distasteful to us since we enjoy them so much. And others have suggested not having them in our home anymore. Have them in public venues only. Which, while a safer idea for our home and security, can mean much more management on our part to find, prepare, and keep clean and safe the venue we choose. I've been mulling this over for some time and really don't know what to do. If this was simply the one theft it might be easier, but as I said, there were other incidents which have begun to sour the meets for us. This is more like the iron girder that broke the camel's back. And while lots of people have been kind enough to offer advice, they have all been, by and larger, from this area. I'd like to have the opinion of someone who is not from our meets or area. And I have noted that you are very thoughtful about your answers, so I would really appreciate your opinion. Thank you Anonymous * * * Dear Anonymous, You and your mate are a very generous and kind furs to open up your home as you have been. Most people I have met in my travels are kind and respectful, but, as you have seen, it only takes one or two bad beans in the pot to give you a bellyache. Papabear has never hosted a meet in his bear den, but I have, of course, held parties. When I do, my guests stay in the living room, kitchen, or back yard, and they are, naturally, allowed to use the guest bathroom. Valuable items my mate and I own are kept in the bedroom and offices, and really valuable items are kept in a lockbox or safe. This is not because I don’t trust my friends—and, indeed, if they want to give themselves a tour of the house, they may do so—but it makes me think that one solution, if I were to have random people in my home, would be to install interior door locks on my bedrooms and office. You can get them for about $10 or $20 each at any hardware store. Then, before your party, put anything of value inside the rooms with locks on the doors. If you have more than one bathroom, designate one of them as a guest bath, and keep the other one locked as well. The locked bathroom is for you to place things like prescription medications (I’ve heard awful stories that some foolish people actually like to play a game in which they ingest pills the prescription for which they don’t even know!) So, this way, you can keep all your guests in the living room, or family room, and the kitchen where even the boldest of thieves would be unlikely to take something, and, if they did, it wouldn’t be of much value anyway. That would be my first recommendation. Try this first and see how it goes. If you are still having problems, my second recommendation would be to have parties by invitation only. This doesn’t mean that you won’t meet anyone new. You can tell people you invite that they may invite a guest or two, someone who has not been there before, and hopefully you would trust them not to invite an unpleasant person. To help you with this, you might try organizing a MeetUp group (http://usa.meetup.com/) if you haven’t already done so. This is a great way to send people invites, find out who is coming to the party, and share information. I’m not sure what your furmeets are like, but if they are unstructured parties where people come to your home, eat, drink, and chat, you might also try something more structured, like a card or video game tournament. Have everyone who is coming participate in the activity, and this will create a more organized activity in which people are easier to track and keep an eye on. I agree with you that organizing a meet outside the home, such as a picnic or bowling outing, can be a lot of work. It’s also a lot chummier if you can have a party in the home and just let your furry thang hang out (*ahem* so to speak). See what you think of my above suggestions, and let me know how it goes. The fandom needs more furries like you! People who are willing to organize safe and fun functions. I hope that you won’t have to cancel your parties because of one or two derps. Bear hugs, Papabear * * * Papabear, My thanks. I forgot to mention that we often allow guests to stay the night, especially if they are from very far away. We use a 3 hour rule. You drive 3 hours, you get to stay the night. Unless it's the one party we do where alcohol is served and then everyone who drinks stays the night, unless they have a clear designated driver. Your advice is about what we have thought of. And much appreciated. We have considered the locks situation, strictly limiting the overnighters, and a sort of loose invitation plan. I really appreciate your opinions and advice because they help us see the problem clearer. I think we will still do some thinking on this, but a combination of a few of these options may make our home more secure, and still allow us to have these meets. Also, you have given us some new ideas with the meetup site to help us organize better, and you've given us some food for thought on a very real problem we never thought of. The prescription issue. That never even occurred to us, and thankfully has not been one of the problems we faced. But it will certainly be one will address before the next meet now that we are aware. Thank you so much. And our next meet was supposed to be in August, but until we resolve this to our satisfaction, we will continue to keep that event as cancelled. Our next on after that will be in November. If all goes well, I'll be happy to update you on how well things worked out. Again, thank you for the advice. * * * Hi, again, Okay, I didn't know about those other issues. My advice on those would be: 1) no alcohol, period. You do not need booze to have a good time. If people stop coming because they can't get drunk, then you're better off without them. 2) ONLY people you know well and trust can spend the night. I can't even imagine why you would allow a stranger to stay overnight in your home. If they are driving from far away, let them make other arrangements for an overnight stay. I'm glad I could help! Take care. Stay furry! Papabear Dear Papabear,
I’m a very young furry doing art secretly. I have been a furry for about 2 years now. My father is the type of guy who makes fun of things that are strange. If you tell him something, he gives you 1 answer and leaves it at that. He gets mad easily. I feel lonesome (hence the name lone owl) and I would like to get more involved, but without them knowing, and absolutely no furries live by me. I recently heard about your site and thought you could help me. I watch videos on the Internet, but still feel like this is missing in my life. Please help me. Sincerely, Lone Owl * * * Dear Owl, Welcome to the furry fandom, hon. It can be very tough to be a furry, especially when you’re underage and living with parents who don’t understand anything that is beyond the accepted norm. My sympathies. Plus, you’re apparently living in an area that is a bit isolated. One of the wonderful things about modern life is the Internet, which is how I discovered furries and made a lot of friends. But it is also frustrating because so many of those friends are far away and sometimes I never see them in person. Okay, so here are some tips that may help: 1) The Internet is your lifeline to the fandom, so guard your Web privileges carefully. I hate saying this, especially since I just wrote a letter about being honest with one’s parents, but if your father, especially, is going to freak about furries, you’re going to have to conceal your browsing behavior. At your age, I hope you are not getting into the kink of furry. Be VERY wary of that. Keep it clean at all costs. After looking at furry sites, delete your history and your cookies. I really hate that you have to do this, but this isn’t about you doing something criminal; this is about you being who you are in a household that sounds like it would promptly reject and oppress you. So be careful. 2) Since you can’t go to a furcon or furmeet, especially since you’re too young to even drive, you can try and create the furry experience via virtual worlds. If you haven’t discovered it already, go to SecondLife.com. An entire virtual world awaits you there. You can create a fursona there and there are many parts of SecondLife that are places for furries to hang out. You could also have a lot of fun with The Furry Gaming Alliance (http://furrygamingalliance.com/). 3) Modern technology has brought us the wonders of videochat programs like Skype, which is free to use if both people have a copy. IM software like Yahoo!IM also has video chat. It’s the next best thing to being there. 4) Your story is one of many reasons why I and others are working on founding the American Furry Association, which will be a national advocacy group for furries. One committee is being devoted entirely to young and new furries who need help navigating the fandom and getting connected to it. You can learn more at www.americanfurryassociation.org. We’re still in the planning stages, but I am hoping to get it launched later this year. Right now, Owl, you are a bit too young to forge out on your own and get personally connected with furries, but happily you have the Internet, a useful tool that can help you a lot. Guard your surfing privileges well. In the meantime, launch an education program for your father to slowly get him used to the idea of furry. Surround yourself with G-rated furry stuff, such as Disney and Warner Bros. cartoons and books like Watership Down and the Redwall tales of Brian Jacques. This is to get your father more comfortable with anthropomorphic fiction and art, a process that could take years, but you have lots of time right now as you’re not going anywhere. Hope these suggestions help. And, if you feel lonely again, feel free to drop Papabear an email. Hugs, Papabear Dear Papabear,
See, a Fat fur called "Tom," an encourager on FA, called me out as a fat hater all because I don't want to gain weight in real life. I had his journal pulled, but the damage was done and I lost a lot of friends, including my friend "Mike.” My question is, should I stop being a Fat fur and stop posting my padded Fursuit? Silver * * * Hi, Silver, Tom is being illogical in saying you are a “fat hater” because you are concerned about your health and want to lose weight. That’s number 1. Number 2 is that it is perfectly viable to love fat people while not being fat yourself. These people are typically called “chasers” in the gay community. Number 3, your so-called “friend” Mike dumping you because of this proves that he was never really your friend (sorry to inform you of that). True friends stick by you, are concerned about you, and don’t dump you because some third party flames you with things that are not even true. So, in brief: Tom? Not a friend. Mike? Not a friend. Silver, I’m sure there must be people in your life who support you and would not treat you like Tom and Mike and, apparently, some other people have. Those are the ones who are your friends and the ones you need to keep by your side. As for your fursona? You want your fursona to be fat? Cool with Papabear. My own fursona is a half ton heavier than the real McCoy. Fursonas are, by definition, not a reflection of your real physical self. I mean, should I unfriend a dragon scaley because IRL he doesn’t have wings? Ridiculous. I even know furries who have fursonas that are not even the same gender, let alone weight, as the person behind the fur. Be who you want to be in real life: thin human being; be who you want to be as a fursona: fat furry. And when you find people in your life who like you in both ways, then you have found your friends. Be Happy, Papabear Dear Papa Bear,
I need your help. I used to be social and talkative but now nobody well talk to me. I try to be friendly and show interest in others but I don’t get it back. I feel like I’m being ignored in a community I’ve been apart of for years. Other furs seem so much more interested in my mate and I just don’t know how he does it. (Sorry for any spelling errors. I have APD [note: Papabear often corrects spelling and grammar to make letters easier for people to read]). Thank you -ignored fox * * * Hi, Ignored, A little more detail would be helpful to me before I reply. You say that you to be "social and talkative" but now you feel left out of the community. At what point did this happen? What happened between the time you were more sociable and the time when things changed and you were no longer part of the group as much? Did it happen when your mate came into the picture? Some other event? Thanks for your help. Papabear * * * This started happing about 3 years ago when people started switching to Facebook from MySpace and I lost contacted from some of my best fur friends on it. I don’t know what happened but people just stopped replying to me and I try to talk to others and I just got ignored. I even tried talking to random furs to help me be more social but I just keep getting ignored. After each failed attempt at trying to talk to furs I start getting a little more depressed and discouraged from trying to talk to others. I’m natural super shy and it just makes things worse it takes a lot from me to try to talk to a stranger. I just feel like I’m back in school again because of the popular kids ignoring and making fun of me. Ignored * * * Okay, just to be sure: this might not be happening because of some software program or browser error, could it? Could there be a technical reason why you aren't getting replies? Just as a thought.... Papabear * * * Sadly no everything gets sent. * * * Hi, Ignored, This is indeed a puzzling situation. If you were being ignored by people who had been your friends currently, I would guess that some kind of clique had formed and that it didn’t include you, OR that when you switched from MySpace to Facebook, somehow, people thought you were snubbing them and decided to block you (such miscommunications and drama are common). The problem with these theories is that you are also being ignored by new people you just met, which makes no sense. Adding to the riddle is that you once had no problem talking with people online and now you do; also, as far as I know from your letter, nothing happened in between those times that might have caused drama. Papabear is genuinely puzzled by this one. One disturbing possibility is that someone out there has put the word out online to ignore you, and that this message has somehow effectively been read by every single person you try to communicate with. Again, though, this seems very unlikely. Another possibility is that you aren’t telling me something, such as you have a tendency to be mean to everyone you talk to, but, again, that doesn’t seem the case and, also, at one point you had no issues with online chat. On the other paw, your mate seems to be having no problems with socializing. At this frustrating point, if I were you, I would ask for his help in getting you back into the social scene, even if that means piggybacking on his popularity. If he’s a good mate, he should be happy to help. For the first time since starting this column, Papabear is quite perplexed. I’m going to also put a call out to my readers for help. Anyone have any thoughts about Ignored’s problem? Maybe, you could even befriend this poor furry? Papabear |
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A note on comments: Comments on letters to Papabear are welcome, especially those that offer extra helpful advice and add something to the conversation that is of use to the letter writer and those reading this column. Also welcome are constructive criticisms and opposing views. What is NOT welcome are hateful, hurtful comments, flaming, and trolling. Such comments will be deleted from this site. Thank you.
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